i think that that wording works beautifully! i find it helps to be kind of casual at least at first like, oh hey, i like this story! but have you thought about this? it just makes me a little uncomfortable and i want your writing to be the best it can be, and that means thinking about stuff maybe!
or alternatively like just ASSUME OTHERWISE, like oh so which characters are gay?!?!? when are you gonna introduce some women???? i know you wouldn’t really have your only female character be such a shallow hateful stereotype friend so when are you gonna mess that around?!?? you’re too good for boring oppressive tropes ;) idk i just feel like it’s kind of meh right now but let’s make out when your work gets better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and say you want to have a conversation about it and you want to hear about their WRITING PROCESS writers love that shit and then just be like, look, here’s some stuff i think is important, and i appreciate talking to you about it! stuff 2 keep in mind :)